Between a Rock and a Hard Rachel
by Calendulam
Summary: Rachel wants to experiment and Finn needs some brotherly advice. Kurt sends him to Blaine.


This is seriously silly. I have no idea where it came from but I had to write it down once it popped into my head. This is my first attempt at writing Finn so I hope it turned out okay. I think his "voice" was one of the easiest to get into so far, along with Santana's. Feedback would be much appreciated!

I don't own Glee.

xxx

Finn doesn't really want to talk about sex with his brother. They've had their fair share of awkward conversations since they've known each other, but that one will probably be the most awkward _ever,_ and Finn is sort of scared of Kurt a little bit, though he would never admit it. And it's not because of the gay thing – when Kurt used to have that little crush on him in sophomore year, he wasn't scared of Kurt then. It's only since they've become family and Kurt's started yelling at him and stuff that he found out just how scary Kurt can be. He's, like, angry-parent levels of scary. Kurt would make a really good parent, Finn thinks. He hopes that someday he adopts a bunch of babies or gets a surrogate like Rachel's dads and Finn can be an uncle and stuff. Finn would be a great uncle.

Kurt is mixing flour and some other white powders and water in a bowl and Finn isn't sure if he should interrupt. But Kurt is humming along to the music from his iPod and that usually means that he's in a good mood so he figures that it's safe. He swallows the frightened lump in his throat and says hello. He's gonna have to man up and do this, because Rachel wants what Rachel wants and he doesn't know who else he can talk to about it.

"Bro, can I talk to you about something? It's, like, personal sort of stuff."

Kurt looks up from the goop that he's mixing in the bowl and he seems sort of confused. "Sure, Finn. I'm always here for you."

"I appreciate that, man. Really." He pauses for a moment and fiddles with one of the measuring things that Kurt has on the counter. He doesn't really know how to say it without, well, just saying it, so he sucks in a deep breath and goes for it. "Well, it's just... Rachel bought this thing." He motions awkwardly to his crotch and around his ass and hopes that Kurt gets it without him having to actually say the words.

"A strap-on?" Kurt asks with a smirk.

Oh, thank God Finn didn't have to say those words out loud. "Yeah. And she wants to like... do stuff to me with it and stuff." Okay, so maybe Kurt was totally kidding because now that Finn has confirmed his guess his eyes are all big and innocent looking, like a blue eyed Bambi.

"Like stick it up your ass?" Okay, so maybe Kurt was just playing him with the Bambi eyes because now he is totally laughing at him.

"Dude, don't laugh at me. I'm trying to ask for help here."

"Sorry. I'm not laughing at you, I swear." But Kurt so is laughing at him. Finn's pretty sure that's the first time he's ever heard Kurt snort before. "It's just the logistics of it. She's three apples tall and you're like Frankenstein's monster."

Finn hadn't even thought of that, but he's sure that Rachel has it all figured out. She always has everything all figured out."But like... does it feel good? Cause it seems like it would hurt but I mean, guys wouldn't do it to each other unless it felt good, right? Does it?"

"It can, if it's done properly. I mean, you can't just... shove it in there. But I'm sure Rachel knows what to do. She researches everything."

"Isn't there, like, some magic spot up there that gets guys off or something?"

"The prostate gland. Yeah. It's actually a lot easier to get at with your fingers than, well... It's sort of up and to the front." Kurt does some sort hand motion that Finn doesn't get, especially not when there are clumps of dough or something all over his fingers.

"Man, I appreciate, like, the body lesson or whatever, but can you just tell me... do you like it? I mean, should I let her?"

"If you don't feel comfortable with it then tell Rachel so, Finn. And as far as liking it... I haven't really had enough experience to say yes or no. You'd be better off directing that question at Blaine."

"_Oh._" Kurt does that scary eyebrow thing at him, probably because assuming that he would be the one taking the...well, Finn's probably being offensive by assuming that or something. He wants to slap himself for it, cause he just doesn't know the right way to discuss gay things with his brother, like, at all. "Um... I don't think I would feel comfortable talking to Blaine about this."

"Why? Blaine loves talking about it. He'll talk your ear off. He doesn't care. And he's not about to go telling anyone your personal business or anything. You should. Especially since that would put an end to this conversation. Because that _really_ needs to happen." And, huh, Finn totally didn't notice Kurt's face turning that red. When did that happen?

"Okay. Thanks, bro. I'll, like, talk to Blaine or whatever."

"Wonderful. He's coming over for dinner."

"Awesome."

xxx

Starting this conversation with Blaine is even weirder than starting it with Kurt. "So, uh, did Kurt tell you what we were talking about earlier?" Finn asks, concentrating on the game they're playing on his Xbox.

He can feel Blaine's eyes on him but he doesn't turn away from the TV. "No. Should he have? Is there something wrong?"

"No, dude, nothing like that. I just... I went to him for advice about something and he told me I'd be better off talking to you. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is. Do you want to pause the game...?"

"Can we, like, keep playing while we talk? Cause this is sort of really embarrassing."

"Okay."

"God, I wish Kurt had, like, filled you in. But he probably didn't on purpose so this would be extra mollifying."

"You mean mortifying?"

"Yeah, that."

"You can ask me anything, Finn. I promise not to judge, okay?"

"Right, well. I'm just gonna spit it out then." Finn takes a deep breath and goes for it, just like he had with Kurt. "Rachel wants to have sex with me with one of those fake, like, penises for ladies and I just want to know what that feels like."

Blaine goes kind of still and silent and Finn totally kills his character. "Oh. You mean, like, pegging?" he asks and Finn has no idea what that even means but he's really glad that Blaine is talking because it seemed like maybe he was freaking out. Blaine must notice how confused Finn is because he starts talking again before Finn can answer him. "She has a strap-on?"

"Yeah. Is that weird?"

"Not at all. It's completely normal for Rachel, or even you, to experiment with different aspects of your sexuality. And in my opinion, it feels awesome. With, you know, an actual penis. But make sure she uses lots of lube. And start with fingers. If you don't like fingers you should probably stop there."

"Huh. So, like, did Kurt not like fingers? Is that why you...?"

"No, Kurt likes fingers just fine. It's just that I like them more. Like, a lot. Like love them. And also..."

"Right. Gotcha." And then Blaine is laughing and so is Finn and both of their characters have died now. "Man, this is the weirdest day ever," Finn says.

xxx

"Why didn't you warn me that Finn was going to ask me about anal sex?"

Kurt cackles a little. "Because I thought it would be more fun for you to be caught unawares. You know, more fun for me. Really though, mostly I just needed him to stop asking _me_ about it. The mental pictures of Rachel humping him will be forever etched in my brain. It would be like a Chihuahua and a Great Dane. The Taco Bell dog and Scooby-Doo," Kurt says with a snort.

"Oh, great, now _I_ have mental pictures. And there are costumes involved, Kurt. Costumes! You had better give me something else to focus on and stat!"

"Well, I'm sure I could think of a couple things..."

"Oh, I'm sure you could."

Things are just getting good and slippery and intense when Kurt starts laughing. "I'm sorry, I can't do this right now. I can't stop thinking about Rachel!"

And Blaine decides that if he can never have sex with Kurt again he's going to murder Finn and very bloodily.


End file.
